Relationship Counseling Temecula. During the last two decades there was focused attention on the seriousness of emotional intelligence and remaining connected. The theory is that the larger the emotional intelligence of the couples relationship, the more successful the relationship. Emotional intelligence is a predictor of the "good enough" connection the couple has. What is truly interesting about connection/attachment is it is a sustaining force in our life from birth to death. It increases our odds of surviving and having longevity over a period. It's also the first thing in our committed love relations to misfire. It may look like complacency or emotional and social disengagement in the couple.
Divorce stats in America are amazing. In first marriages it is 50%, in 2nd marriages it is 67% and 3rd marriages it is 73%. Given these numbers, it would sound right that if you have a good relationship you would wish to keep it in good working order. Therefore , it'd be sensible to keep your wedding or committed relationship fine tuned like a musical instrument. Yet how many of us do this? In my 30 years of expertise in working with couples it has been extremely rare to see a couple present for treatment in the beginning stages of marriage or relationship discord. It is more normal to see couples present for treatment when there relationship is in so much trouble that it can not be ignored anymore.
According to famous therapist Doctor. John Gottman, who has spent 20 and years researching relationships, the first sign of a turbulent couple is when there are way more negative than positive interactions in their emotional repertoire, especially during conflict. The therapist's goal is to help the couple in promoting positive outcome patterns. This is done thru having the ability to differentiate adaptive and maladaptive patterns.
The 2nd indicator that suggests there is a problem is "nothing is ok" syndrome. It is when everything you do is being reviewed and criticized by your partner. The affect is more negative than positive. What appears in the relationship is what Dr. Gottman refers to as the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse." The 4 markers of this second factor are, criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. The therapist's goal here is to teach the couple new techniques of connecting with one another.
The third dysfunctional pattern is withdrawal/isolation. This is what is known as emotional disengagement. This may appear as a marked lack of sharing within the couple, marked by low love, humour, demonstration of interest in each other, excitement, playfulness, happiness, supportiveness and empathy. The therapist's goal here is to suggest that the withdrawal must end.
The 4th indicator is repeated unresolved conflict and a failure to mend those conflicts. The aim of care here should be not on conflict avoidance but rather to help couples toward conflict resolution by augmenting their skill set in communication. This is realized by helping them to mend hurtful/irritated feelings. Couples require help to be told how to process their feelings in ways which support the relationship.
The fifth indicator has to do with what is known in psychology as "projection." This is a defense mechanism whereby the individual fails to see their own blunders and features all negative gaffes/features to their partner. What's especially fascinating about this is that in the beginning of a relationship it is completely opposite. The individual will attribute more positive features/qualities to the partner than negative. So what is it that happens over time in dysfunctional relationships that changes this dynamic? According to the study it is the erosion of the closeness, the foundation of the relationship that begins to deteriorate over a period of time. the antidote to this is to reconstruct the comradeship, as this is the source of the source of the relationship's strength.
The sixth indicator is shutdown due to protracted unresolved issues/discussions. Issues overmaster the couple and this leads to fight or flight in all relationships, not only committed relations. The cause of this is that our physiological arousal system is present. It is like being in a repeated state of raised hysteria; with increased heartbeat rate, respiration, perspiration, and blood pressure. This state of prolonged strain clouds our capability to listen and make choices. The antidote is to help the couple develop awareness. Of their physiological arousal and then learn stress-reducing secrets as well as self and other soothing strategies, which should assist them to be more present with each other. The goal is to increase productive dialoguing between the couple to market problem solving.
In summary, a pair wishes to remain aware, aware, playful, and merciful with one another. Renewing friendship and learning new or forgotten techniques of engaging with one another promote a healthy relationship.
Divorce stats in America are amazing. In first marriages it is 50%, in 2nd marriages it is 67% and 3rd marriages it is 73%. Given these numbers, it would sound right that if you have a good relationship you would wish to keep it in good working order. Therefore , it'd be sensible to keep your wedding or committed relationship fine tuned like a musical instrument. Yet how many of us do this? In my 30 years of expertise in working with couples it has been extremely rare to see a couple present for treatment in the beginning stages of marriage or relationship discord. It is more normal to see couples present for treatment when there relationship is in so much trouble that it can not be ignored anymore.
According to famous therapist Doctor. John Gottman, who has spent 20 and years researching relationships, the first sign of a turbulent couple is when there are way more negative than positive interactions in their emotional repertoire, especially during conflict. The therapist's goal is to help the couple in promoting positive outcome patterns. This is done thru having the ability to differentiate adaptive and maladaptive patterns.
The 2nd indicator that suggests there is a problem is "nothing is ok" syndrome. It is when everything you do is being reviewed and criticized by your partner. The affect is more negative than positive. What appears in the relationship is what Dr. Gottman refers to as the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse." The 4 markers of this second factor are, criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. The therapist's goal here is to teach the couple new techniques of connecting with one another.
The third dysfunctional pattern is withdrawal/isolation. This is what is known as emotional disengagement. This may appear as a marked lack of sharing within the couple, marked by low love, humour, demonstration of interest in each other, excitement, playfulness, happiness, supportiveness and empathy. The therapist's goal here is to suggest that the withdrawal must end.
The 4th indicator is repeated unresolved conflict and a failure to mend those conflicts. The aim of care here should be not on conflict avoidance but rather to help couples toward conflict resolution by augmenting their skill set in communication. This is realized by helping them to mend hurtful/irritated feelings. Couples require help to be told how to process their feelings in ways which support the relationship.
The fifth indicator has to do with what is known in psychology as "projection." This is a defense mechanism whereby the individual fails to see their own blunders and features all negative gaffes/features to their partner. What's especially fascinating about this is that in the beginning of a relationship it is completely opposite. The individual will attribute more positive features/qualities to the partner than negative. So what is it that happens over time in dysfunctional relationships that changes this dynamic? According to the study it is the erosion of the closeness, the foundation of the relationship that begins to deteriorate over a period of time. the antidote to this is to reconstruct the comradeship, as this is the source of the source of the relationship's strength.
The sixth indicator is shutdown due to protracted unresolved issues/discussions. Issues overmaster the couple and this leads to fight or flight in all relationships, not only committed relations. The cause of this is that our physiological arousal system is present. It is like being in a repeated state of raised hysteria; with increased heartbeat rate, respiration, perspiration, and blood pressure. This state of prolonged strain clouds our capability to listen and make choices. The antidote is to help the couple develop awareness. Of their physiological arousal and then learn stress-reducing secrets as well as self and other soothing strategies, which should assist them to be more present with each other. The goal is to increase productive dialoguing between the couple to market problem solving.
In summary, a pair wishes to remain aware, aware, playful, and merciful with one another. Renewing friendship and learning new or forgotten techniques of engaging with one another promote a healthy relationship.
About the Author:
Linda Comin practices relationship counseling in Temecula, CA. She can found at Psychological therapist Temecula.
