Should you let your grown kids move back in? Many parents ask that question these days. At the root of the question is emotional enmeshment.
Comparing emotional enmeshment to tangled fishing lines, Dr, John Friel, says that it's almost impossible for parents enmeshed with their adult children to notice the boundaries that separates their identities.
Parents reflect their problems on their children and their children resent getting entangled in their parents excessive neediness. Consequently, both blame each other for causing their difficulties in life. Since no one claims responsibility when things go wrong, anything the other person does is treated with suspicion.
V:17
Another way of looking at this issue is using the analogy of a bucket. The parents have an emotional bucket and they want their adult children to fill it for them. Unfortunately, there is a hole in the bucket, so it is never full and needs to be constantly refilled. I you are a parent begin to take full responsibility before God.
If you are an enmeshed parent, remember that your adult children don't like being forced to constantly take care of your unmet needs. You make them resentful.
Remember, the words of Paul, the Apostle: "When I was a child ,I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things" (I Cor. 13:11).
When you decide to change, your children will not like it either. They have associated helping you feel better with feeling needed. Now resentment will change to feeling guiltiy, selfish, disloyal, unworthy, and simply uncomfortable. While your children did not like your neediness, you have to be patient when they go through symptoms of emotional withdrawal.
One powerful way of breaking the cycle of enmeshment is to let your children live on their own if they can afford to get their own apartment. Make them think through their own problems before you offer your input.
Comparing emotional enmeshment to tangled fishing lines, Dr, John Friel, says that it's almost impossible for parents enmeshed with their adult children to notice the boundaries that separates their identities.
Parents reflect their problems on their children and their children resent getting entangled in their parents excessive neediness. Consequently, both blame each other for causing their difficulties in life. Since no one claims responsibility when things go wrong, anything the other person does is treated with suspicion.
V:17
Another way of looking at this issue is using the analogy of a bucket. The parents have an emotional bucket and they want their adult children to fill it for them. Unfortunately, there is a hole in the bucket, so it is never full and needs to be constantly refilled. I you are a parent begin to take full responsibility before God.
If you are an enmeshed parent, remember that your adult children don't like being forced to constantly take care of your unmet needs. You make them resentful.
Remember, the words of Paul, the Apostle: "When I was a child ,I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things" (I Cor. 13:11).
When you decide to change, your children will not like it either. They have associated helping you feel better with feeling needed. Now resentment will change to feeling guiltiy, selfish, disloyal, unworthy, and simply uncomfortable. While your children did not like your neediness, you have to be patient when they go through symptoms of emotional withdrawal.
One powerful way of breaking the cycle of enmeshment is to let your children live on their own if they can afford to get their own apartment. Make them think through their own problems before you offer your input.
About the Author:
Read more articles by Dr. Chuck Lynch. Stop by his blog where you can find out all about how to get along with Adult children living at home.
